Robert Colpitts

Sam, oh, so cute, there he is, shaking in his boots.  Afraid of the BIG TALK.  But Faith and I are on the case.  We’re there to help.  She and I are ready to go.  At the gate.  There for him.  That is, in case you DIDN’T GET IT YET, we’re there to HELP SAM because HE IS NERVOUS.  I think we’re all on the same page.  We all understand that Sam, standing outside of the door, ready to go in, have the talk, is nervous and Faith and I are there to help him.  He’s holding a book.  I didn’t mention that.  Inside that book are some notes.  I don’t think he needs them, but that is why Faith and I are there for him.  The book, a sign of his nervousness, has to be taken away in order to eradicate his nervousness.  Because one of the tips I will give him is that if you don’t look nervous then you won’t feel nervous, and Faith and I are here, as I said, to help him, so why not go forth and give him that advice when the time is right, right?  So, Faith and I are right there, right at the moment, right beginning getting ready to do the one thing and the one thing only that I wanted to say in one sentence, so here I am saying over and over and over and over and over again in a hundred different ways: Faith and I are going to help the nervous Sam get in there and give the BIG TALK.

So, you’ll understand me now when I say:

“Just go in there,”

Telling you that:

Faith said that.

Or:

“Listen to yourself.”

Telling you that:

I said that.

Or:

“Shut up.”

“I’ll say what I want.”

“Shut up.”

“Fuck me.

And you are ok with either:

a) Faith doing the shut-up character

Or:

b) Me doing it

…knowing that Faith and I are there to help Sam, and each (Faith or I) is just as likely to say “fuck me” as the other.  You are, like, totally comfortable with this idea by now enough so that and such that you understand what quotation marks are and you can guess where they are going and who is saying what. 

We are HERE TO HELP SAM because HE IS NERVOUS and now EVERYTHING YOU SEE THAT FOLLOWS is THAT ADVICE.

I should let you know that because I set you up so absurdly blatantly obviously disdainfully, you should expect that I will intentionally confuse you a bit by not following WITH the advice MENTIONED ABOVE.  In fact, I am doing so right now (or not doing so, depending upon how you look at things–sideways or upright glass and all), and I don’t know why you didn’t expect this, because what are expectations but things to be manipulated, because fulfilling expectations is what you do to BUILD TRUST IN REAL RELATIONSHIPS, but with an audience of people who are there to be entertained, you gotta surprise them, it being so much like a roller coaster. So, be on the look out for the advice to not pertain to Sam, but to you, or no one, or your dog, or the sun, or humanity, or prepare yourself for there to be no advice at all.  Prepare for everything, including all the advice appearing in a subsequent post a year from now.

I offer Sam this advice:  “Sam, here’s what is going to help you.  When you go to give the Talk, you will find that your audience won’t understand you.  Some will tell you that is just human nature.  It isn’t.  So go in there and talk idiotically.  Say something like:

“‘Happiness is freedom.  Freedom is happiness.  If you are happy, you are free.  If you are free, you are happy.  We’re talking about happiness and freedom.  Both of them.  Both of them separately and together.  Because being together is what you need separately and what we need together.’

“Repeat yourself over and over and over again using the same words the same words the same words, so that you will be, at the very least, understood, and they will shake your hand, and they will pat your back, and they will be happy to have met you, because they all understand the idea that something about happiness and freedom was talked about and thanks for that because they can use the words happiness and freedom in a sentence too.”

Faith says:  “The most important thing to do is just not do it.  And I don’t mean to not do it in the metaphorical sense that by not TRYING TO DO IT you actually DO IT BETTER because we all WE ALL love PLENTIFUL CUTE IRONY.”

Oh Lord.  Faith.  Oh Lord.  How do you explain this?

Sam goes in the room suddenly.  Faith and I are surprised by this.  It was sudden.  No more advice.  So little time.

Yet explain.  Explain.  What has he done wrong?  Should he not be in there?  Explain.  WE WE WE WANT TO KNOW!

Sam is in there giving THE TALK.  Explaining HIMSELF.  It came to a HEAD.  He is SHARE(ING).

I say to Faith:  “Not so nice to leave people confused.”

Faith:  “People live in the world they perceive.”

I would make the argument that it is nice to be helpful.

Faith:  “Like anyone is ever going to notice.”

Sam returns.  “It went great.  They really understood me.”

Well, fuck me. 

“What DID YOU SAY IN THERE?”

Sam smiles.  He nods.  He paces.  He wanders.  He pauses.  He watches.  He smirks.  He stops.  He jumps (tiny-like).  He sighs.  He stops again.  He looks ready.  He says, “I told them ‘black bar bad and think about it.’”

Shaking of heads all around.  The three of us.  Sam, Faith, and I.

Black bar bad and think about it.

(The double-you at the beginning of the ‘what’ up there was part of a ‘was’ and the ‘hat’ in ‘what’ from ‘that.’  So the loss of that ‘t’, and a Franken’what’.)